Forgive but Remember

One of my least favorite adages is “Forgive and Forget.”  If you believe that you have to forget what a person did to harm you, it can interfere with your ability to forgive them.

Forgive for your well-being rather than for the person who wronged you.  Forgiveness is freeing and usually of greatest benefit to the person forgiving. But forgetting can be hurtful because you leave yourself vulnerable to being hurt again, particularly if you have a relationship with that person. Because the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior, remembering can be a way to protect yourself. 

Say that a friend told a secret that you had made clear was to be kept in confidence and it led to being embarrassed and hurt. It would be healthy to be able to let go of your anger, frustration, and disappointment, but it would be helpful to remember so that you do not trust the person with secrets. 

You might be thinking that you could forgive someone for telling a secret, but not for something more egregious. Mackenzie Phillips, actress on One Day at a Time was the daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas & Papas pop group. He got her into drugs at 11, raped her at 19 and paid to abort a resulting pregnancy. She said she forgave her father on his death bed. In an interview, Oprah commented that it was a wonderful thing she did for her father. Paraphrasing Mackenzie: I didn’t do it for him, I did it for me. It was a huge relief to let that go. 

Anger is a healthy emotion. It is unhealthy to suppress it. When we are angry at someone who has hurt us, it makes it much less likely that we will allow that person to hurt us. However, after a period of time, holding that anger in your heart stops protecting you and begins to hurt you. So forgive, but remember if it helps to protect you.