Anxiety During the Coronavirus: Part 8, Using Process Words is Calming
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Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
One small, but significant, way of being mindful is noticing that what we think affects how we feel. Too often the words we use when we attempt to alleviate tension and anxiety are often words that mean we’re fighting anxiety; therefore, sometimes they have the opposite of the calming effect we intend. A very simple and small change in the words we use can make a big difference in the way we feel and the effectiveness of the strategies we use.
Command, Process, or State?
TRY THIS EXERCISE:
Notice where you feel anxiety in your body now. If you don’t feel much at the moment, think about where you feel it in your body when you feel anxious or worried.
Focus on that place or places now.
Remember these three words: Relax, Relaxing, Relaxed
Soon, I’m going to ask you to close your eyes and say each of these three words aloud Pause in between each word while noticing how you feel.
When you’re ready, close your eyes and begin.
Now repeat each of the words in reverse order (Relaxed, Relaxing, Relax) continuing to notice how you feel.
If you are like most people, you didn’t pick “relax.” Has anyone ever told you to relax and you just want to flip ’em off? Or it just makes you less relaxed? That’s because “relax” is a command. Commands create tension and even anxiety. When trying hard to relax or let go unsuccessfully time after time, many people feel hopeless and depressed. Like when we try not to think about blue monkeys (see Chapter 2), when we try too hard to resist our anxiety, at best, it isn’t helpful and at it usually leaves us frustrated or more anxious. Command words make us try harder than process words do.
“Relaxing” is a process word. Unlike commands, process words do not create tension. It’s more natural too, because becoming relaxed is not immediate—it is a process. Nothing in nature goes from high to low or fast to stop in an instant. Therefore, process words are much more comfortable. Relaxed is a state of being. It is also not a command, so it is more likely to be helpful than “relax.” If you picked “relax,” it may have only been because it was first in the list, and it may also only have been the most helpful to you because it was first. So choose either “Relaxing” or “Relaxed” for the next exercise.
NOTE: Unfortunately the lack of formatting options on this site doesn’t allow the ease in which the actual worksheet in the book does. Sorry if this is a little confusing.
IF you chose “Relaxing,” you picked a process word proceed here and when you get to the word “STATE” skip to FINDING YOUR BEST WORD. If you liked “Relaxed,” you picked a state word, so skip down to the word STATE.
Go back to focusing on the places in your body where you typically feel anxiety.
Closing your eyes, say the words below with a pause after each one, noticing which feels best.
Calming
Softening
Releasing
Write the word that felt best to you.
Repeat the above instructions with the next two sets of three words below.
Loosening
Letting go
Chillin’
Breathing
Freeing
Soothing
STATE
Go back to focusing on the places in your body where you typically feel anxiety.
Closing your eyes, say the words below with a pause after each one, noticing which feels best.
Calm
Soft
Released
Write the word that felt best to you.
Repeat the above instructions with the next two sets of three words below.
Loose
Peaceful
Chill (as “I am chill,” not “Chill out”)
Soothed
Free
Tranquil
FINDING YOUR BEST WORD
You should now have a list of 3 words. You can add “relaxing” or “relaxed” to that list. Or perhaps you can think or another process or state word that you like.
Read the list and remember to pause in between words. Noticing how each word feels.. Narrow your favorites down to two to three. Next, close your eyes and thinking or saying those two to three. Check the best one. You may check more than one if you’d like.
In the days to come, instead of telling yourself to relax, chill out, calm down, or breathe, use the word or words above when you feel anxious or tense. If you chose states of being (e.g., loose, tranquil) these words might be of limited effectiveness while you are anxious or frustrated. If they aren’t effective, it may be that they aren’t believable. For example, if you are very anxious, “loose” may seem so incongruent with how you feel that it doesn’t work. Process words may work best in this situation. So, when you are feeling anxious, if the state-of-being word that you chose isn’t working, experiment with the equivalent process word instead (e.g., “loosening” instead of “loose”; “becoming tranquil” instead of “tranquil”).
Share this idea with the people who are closest to you, particularly if you find them using command words to try to help you. Encourage them to use process words when they notice that you are worried, anxious, or frustrated. When others use commands, translate them into states of being or process words in your mind. So, if someone tells you to “let it go,” think in your mind “letting go.”
This is an excerpt from my workbook that was edited to make a blog post. For many more exercises and worksheets you can purchase this book by clicking on this title: The Worry, Anxiety, and Depression Workbook: Cognitive–Behavioral and Mindfulness Exercises to Melt Worry, Decrease Anxiety, and Improve Mood